Still Waiting on pins and needle...(and daggers and swords)

Well we are still waiting for my granddaughter to be born.

Over the weekend my mother arrived from Colorado to see the baby who is not here yet.  I really wish she had come out next week.  She leaves on Friday and that is when Glenna will be induced if baby is not born by then.  I am sad about that.  Well that goes hand in hand with the sadness I have been feeling over the past few months.  I never knew how hard it would be so hard to have my grown son living in my house, him being married and so controlling.  I feel like no matter what I do,  it is wrong and he ends up mad at me. It is one of the worst feeling in the world. To top it off, this should be a happy time for Charlie and I with the birth of our first grandchild, but I am so stressed that I have been unable to sleep.  Sunday morning Charlie had to wake me up because I was crying in my sleep.  I had a very vivid dream that everyone hated me.  It was worse then having a dream about monsters because those feeling I had in my dream carried over to my waking hours and I spent the majority of the day with tears rolling down my cheeks. Charlie and I are having some problems right know and I do not feel secure in the fact that he will always be here for me.  My world would be destroyed if he ended up leaving me. Just writing this is making me cry. I am a wreck. Things started to change in January when I relapsed with the Fibromyalgia symptoms. Financially we are struggling and that is the big reason for me feeling he lost some feelings for me.  I did not handle the finances well and I kept him out of the loop as to how bad it was. That was a big mistake on my part.  I think he has lost some his love for me because of it. I don't think he would ever use my illness as a reason to leave but I think the money thing would be a good enough excuse. He had told me we would be over if we lost the house because of my poor money management.  Him just saying that makes me feel that now he could find another reason to leave me.  Who would have thought that I would screw things up after 21 years of marriage. I no longer have any control when it comes to money but that is the way I want it now.  It might as well be that way since I will be out of work from today until August when the school that I work at goes back for the new school year.
Well I could go on for ever with all the feeling I am having so I will close for now and head for bed and try to sleep. Thanks for listening and keep this between you and me.